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<'MAKE-I T P BOOFv— HOW TO "MAKE-UP." A practical guide 
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Clje 2Wting tfuitioa. 







Authoress of " Hearts or Diamonds ? " "Intervietced," "An 
Unfinished Story" tfv\, &c. 



New York 




28 West 23d Street 





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The above Scenes, mounted, can be seen at 28 West 22 d St., 
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Authoress of " Hearts or Diamonds?" " Litervieioed," " An 
Unfinished Story," &c., &c. 

Copyright, 1891, by 

T. H. FRENCH. ^ ?v«i a ^,°* 

IAN 2 1892 ( 

London : New York : 




89, STRAND. 28 WEST 23d STREET. 



\ X <*. 



Mrs. Newlyn (A Young Wife) 
Mrs, Grimsby (A Housekeeper) 


Scene : A sitting-room in Mrs. Newlyn's house. 

Enter Mrs. Newlyn, an open letter in her hand. She 
Mrs. N. I wonder if my troubles are coming to an end at 
last ! I hope so, now that I am to have a really trustworthy 
person in the house to take charge of things ! I am not fit to 
do it — so dear Edward says, and so his mother says. I 
believe they're right. Sometimes I think I ought not to 
have married at all — I am so ignorant, and so timid and 
stupid ; but if I say that to Edward he puts his arms round 
me and calls me his dear little wifey-pifey, and tells me I 
mustn't say such horrid things, or he shall think I don't love 
him. Well, it's very nice to be scolded in that way ; but all 
the same, he gets cross when the meat is underdone and the 
potatoes like brickbats — he calls them brickbats, and calls 
me "Mrs. Newlyn" instead of "Betsie." I can't think 
why men are so dreadfully particular about what they eat ! 
I'm sure I've always done my best to please Edward. I 
roasted the mutton for him myself last Sunday, and made 
him a pudding with my own hands, and he said the meat 
was like "eating his boots" and the pudding a "squash." 
How was I to know that a joint of four pounds doesn't take 
five hours' roasting ? I thought he'd like it well done ! And 
first he guffawed, and then he was cross, because he said I 
ought to have known a plum pudding must have eggs in it ! 
I made the pudding out of a cookery book ; but I forgot the 
eggs. I thought it wouldn't matter. Edward needn't have 
called my pudding a "squash." And then he blames me 
because Susan won't get up in the morning, and is always 
running out to see her "mother" — she told me her mother 
lived in Wiltshire — and takes up cold water for him to shave 
with ; he even scolded me because one of Susan's hairpins 


was in tne soup last Wednesday. I can't help all those 
things ; no one ever taught me to keep house. I didn't tell 
Susan to put her hairpin in the soup, any more than I told 
her to send up her butter instead of ours at breakfast, and 
give Edward's favorite meerschaum to her mother. Men 
are so selfish — the best of them ! They want to have things 
go like clockwork ! Well, perhaps Edward will be satisfied 
when Mrs. Grimsby comes. Let me read over again what 
his mother says : — {reads) " My dear Margaret, —I am indeed 
grieved to hear of your household difficulties. Dear Edward 
tells me the house is a great worry to you, and that the dinner 
is never properly cooked, or served punctually." Edward 
needn't have complained to his mother. I don't think mar- 
ried men ought to have mothers — but she's very kind, though 
she does underline every second word, {reads) "I thought 
if you had a nice, steady, respectable, experienced house- 
keeper, who would take all the trouble off your hands, 
it would be so much better for you, and things would 
go more smoothly. You see, my dear daughter-in-law, 
the best of men, and my Edward" — our Edward, niamma- 
in-law ; he's mine too! {reads) "My" — our — "Edward 
is the best of men — will get out of temper if the dinner 
is badly cooked." I haven't been married six months 
without finding out that! "Young wives have their les- 
son to learn" — and they learn it very quickly ! Um — 
um — {reads) " Dear Edward didn't complain. 1 ' 1 Oh, yes he 
did ! — um — um — what a sermon ! Old ladies in the country 
spend half their time in writing letters. Um — um — ah ! 
{reads) "I am sending you a Mrs. Grimsby, who will call 
upon you to-morrow" — that is this — {reads) "morning. 
She is a most superior person. Most highly recommended ; 
she has lived in very distinguished families, and has the most 
unexceptionable references. You will find her quite a friend, 
and all trouble will be taken off your shoulders." How 
nice ! {folding letter) Then I shall have plenty of time to read 
and work. Edward wants some new slippers, and there's a 
new teapot cosy to make, and I haven't been able to get 
to the third volume of Lady Gertrudes Lover. I am 
longing to know whether she really does marry that 
stupid baronet instead of the duke — he's a darling, that 
duke ! {ring heard) Ah ! Perhaps that is Mrs. Grimsby ! 
{sits quickly ; tries to look very matronly and self-possessed, but 
is really nervous) 


Enter Mrs. Grimsby, carrying a handbag ; she looks 
intensely respectable in manner and attire, but utterly 
self-possessed, and prepared to rule the roast; Mrs. 
Newlyn is about to speak when Mrs. Grimsby takes 
the initiative. 

Mrs. G. {advancing') Mrs. Newlyn, I presume ? I am 
Mrs. Grimsby. Mr. Edward Newlyn's mamma informed 
me that you required an experienced person to take charge 
of the house — a thoroughly trustworthy and responsible per- 
son — and I may say that Mrs. Newlyn — the elder Mrs. 
Newlyn — could not have recommended a more competent 
person than myself. 

Mrs. N. {rather takeji aback) Yes — I — certainly did re- 

Mrs. G. {with patronizing smile) Oh, of course, I 
thoroughly understand what is required. I know how it is 
with young ladies like yourself, wholly inexperienced. You 
cannot be expected to understand the care of a house, and 
gentlemen are so particular ! I remember the Duke of 
Shellabere, Mrs. Newlyn — the elder Mrs. Newlyn — has, of 
course, told you that I have lived in the very highest families 
— in fact, all my employers up to the present had titles. 
Well, the Duke of Shellabere — such an affable gentleman he 
was — used to talk to me so nice, almost as if I'd been his 
mother, as one might say, though his mamma — the Duchess, 
as was always about with her Royal 'Ighness the 
Princess of Wales — was a most stately lady. The Duke of 
Shellabere, he says to me, "Grimsby," he says, "I can't 
abide," says his Lordship — his Grace, I should say — " I can't 
abide," he says, "to 'ave my dinner hunderdone." Those 
were his Lordship's — his Grace's, I should say — very words, 
and though he was a duke, and Mr. Newlyn the common 
sort, as one might say, he don't like his meals hunderdone — 
naturally. You won't mind my sitting, will you, ma'am ? 
{pulls up chair and sits) Her Grace the Duchess of 
Shellabere was always so very haffable in that respec'. 
" Grimsby," her Grace used to say to me, " pray sit down. 
I know, " she says, ' ' you've been always brought up genteel," 
she says, "and 'ave been used to your hown servants," she 
says — those were her very words, ma'am, and true it is, 
ma'am. I never thought to come to this, being, as one 
mi^ht say 

Mrs. N. (who has been fidgeting sometimes during above, 


but is a bit overawed by the ducal family, interrupting 
desperately) Yes, yes, my husband's mother told me I should 
find you a most superior person, and that you had the 
highest references. 

Mrs. G. (looking at Mrs. Newlyn with lofty surprise at 
the interruption) Certingly, ma'am, certingly ! I am much 
obliged, of course, for the elder Mrs. Newlyn's good opinion 
of me ; but I don't stand in no need of any words of hers — 
with all respec', you understand — having always lived in 
titled families. There was the Marchioness of Boufanty — 
you must have heard of her Ladyship, though you wouldn't 
know her, perhaps, {with an expressive glance round the room) 

Mrs. N. {faintly) No, I don't think I ever even heard of 

Mrs. G. No ! dear me ! I thought hevery one had heard 
of her Ladyship. But then, of course, we all 'ave our places 
in the world — and yours and my speres is different from 
her Ladyship's. 

Mrs. N. Certainly — of course — but — er — Mrs. Grims- 

Mrs. G. I lived with the Hearl and Countess of Bany- 
makillig also. They was very nice, but, being Hirish, not 
so rich, as one might say ; and they wasn't quite the sort I'd 
been used to ; still, her Ladyship would have kep me had I 
been disposed to stay ; but after having lived with the 
Countess of Noddymore — which I was in that family before I 
went to the Countess of Banymakillig's and Lord Noddymore 
kep his carriages and horses, as a nobleman should — of course 
I owed it to myself, as you understand, not to be put upon, 
heven by a countess, especially a poor Hirish one. 

Mrs. N. Yes, Mrs. Grimsby, I am quite satisfied with 
your references — but don't you think 

Mrs. G. Yes, ma'am — you couldn't very well be hun- 
satisfied, could you ? — seeing as I have given satisfaction to 
so many of the nobility, and might have 'ad a position in the 
'ousehold of her Royal 'Ighness the Princess of Wales — only 
for having the hinfluenza just at that time, and so another 
pusson was appointed ; but her Royal 'Ighness, as I've heard 
say, was that disappointed 

Mrs. N. Yes, no doubt, she would be ; but — but — about 
wages, Mrs. Grimsby 

Mrs. G. {loith a lofty smile) Excuse me, ma'am — salary — 
my salary. Wages is for 'ousemaids and cooks and such 


like — we never says "wages'* to a pusson of my position 
in 'igh families, the haristocracy is very pertikler on that 
pint. (Mrs. Newlyn looks sat upon) Yes, ma'am ; well, 
as to salary, ma'am. Well, of course, I've 'ad very 'igh 
salaries — and to oblige you, ma'am, and seeing as you're so 
much put to it, being, as one may say, without Jiany one, 
I'll say £25 a year, and all found. 

Mrs. 1ST. {timidly) It is rather more than I wished to give ; 
but for a person with your credentials 

Mrs. G. {interrupting) Very well, ma'am. Then we'll 
say £25, and all found ; and I should require an 'oliday 
once a fortnight, and to go to church twice of a Sunday. 
I'm most pertikler on that pint, ma'am. Then I has my 
breakfast at nine o'clock, with a relish, of course. 

Mrs. N. A relish ! Oh ! I hope so. I trust you have a 
healthy appetite ? 

Mrs. G. Yes, ma'am. I may say I 'ave a very 'ealthy 
appetite, though a relish isn't a happetite, if you'll excuse 
me, ma'am. Still, I'm reasonable. A couple of rashers of 
bacon — nice streaky ones — I always 'ad the best of hevery- 
think when I lived with her Grace the Duchess of Shellabere ; 
or a few poached heggs — noo laid heggs — or a kidney, or a 
bit o' salmon sometimes — I'm not 'ard to please, ma'am. 
Then my luncheon at twelve, and my dinner at two o'clock, 
and my tea when I feel inclined — about four — and at height 
o'clock my supper. 

Mrs. N. But my husband and I dine at half-past seven. 

Mrs. G. Indeed, ma'am ! Well, that's rather ill-conven- 
ient ! You see, it comes across my supper time. 

Mrs. N. {with some spirit) I could not alter the dinner 
hour ; it suits my husband and myself ! 

Mrs. G. Well, that might be arranged. What servants 
do you keep, ma'am ? 

Mrs. N. {feeling small) I have hitherto kept only one 
servant ; you see, I attend to some things myself. 

Mrs. G. {in a tone implying, and preciously you did it !) 
Exactly, ma'am. The servant is of good character, I pre- 
sume ? 

Mrs. N. Most excellent. She is a little heedless some- 
times ! 

Mrs. G. We can see how she goes on ; it may be necessary 
to discharge her ; but we'll 'ope not. Where is the kitchen 
situated ? 


Mrs. N. In the front — it is of good size and cheerful. 

Mrs. G. I will see it presently. I shall want room for 
some things of my own. I suppose there's no heasy chair ? 

Mrs. N. N— no 

Mrs. G. I shall require that — of course at his Grace the 
Duke of Shellabere's I had my hown private sittin'-room ; 
but I couldn't do without a heasy chair ; then, as to my bed- 
room, it must be large and hairy — and with a cheerful look 
out. I prefer a northern haspec' — it's more 'ealthy ! 

Mrs. N. Really. I hadn't thought of the aspect. The 
room you would occupy faces the west. 

Mrs. G. That won't do, ma'am — not at all — it makes the 
room too 'ot at night, having the sun on all day. We'll put 
that down, ma'am, as well as your dinner hour, to be 
arranged, (pulls paper and pencil out of tag and proceed* to 
note down) 

Mrs. N. But I should like to know, Mrs. Grimsby, a few 
particulars about 

Mrs. G. (folding up paper, paying no heed to Mrs. New- 
lyn) I suppose you don't keep much company, ma'am — you 
see that would not suit me. 

Mrs. N. We have a few friends, now and then. 

Mrs. G. Now and then — yes, ma'am. Well, that is no 
objection. And of course you don't come into the kitchen. 
Her Grace the Duchess of Shellabere never did— even the 
Hirish Countess didn't demean herself so far — I couldn't put 
hup with it. And after the dinner is served, lam at liberty. 
You can go to bed when you please, ma'am — there'll be no 
need to sit hup, as I can use the latch-key — I couldn't de- 
mean myself to come in by the hairey. 

Mrs. N. I don't think my husband will agree to 

Mrs. G. I've always been accustomed to my hown latch- 
key, ma'am. Mr. Newlyn has '« — I presoom. Certainly I 
couldn't sit hup to the small hours to let Hm in ! 

Mrs. N. Mrs. Grimsby, you forget yourself ! Mr. New- 
lyn is not in the habit of staying out until the small hours ! 

Mrs. G. (unmoved) Well, ma'am — different people, differ- 
ent ways. I've been used to the haristocracy, and I couldn't 
suppose a gentleman would be coming 'ome to tea every night, 
as the sayin' is. But you 'aven't been long married, ma'am, 
as I understood from the elder Mrs. Newlyn. 

Mrs. N. It can be no concern of yours, Mrs. Grimsby, 
how long I have been married. 


Mrs. G. Oh no, ma'am — of course not. Only gentlemen 
is so different hafterwards to what they is at first. I re- 
member when the Marquis of Camelshair was first married 
he was that attentive to my lady. 

Mrs. N. The Marquis of Camelshair is nothing to me. I 
wish to ask you, Mrs. Grimsby 

Mrs. G. Yes, ma'am. I couldn't come before next week 
— next Thursday, shall we say ? But there's a good many 
more questions to hask you, ma'am ; also to arrange about 
the courses at dinner, and your luncheon time ; you see mine 
is at twelve, and my dinner at two — so you could lunch at 
one. Very well — a cold luncheon, of course. I don't hun- 
dertake 'ot luncheons for so low a salary, (pauses for breath.) 

Mrs. N. (who is fuming, aside) This is intolerable I I 
am to be a complete cypher ! 

Mrs. G. And then, ma'am ? 

Mrs. N. (rising) We will stop there, Mrs. Grimsby. 
You seem to have entirely misunderstood our relative posi- 
tions. You have asked questions and dictated terms as if you 
were engaging me and arranging your own establishment 
instead of my engaging you ! 

Mrs. G. (indignant) Reely, ma'am ! 

Mrs. N. Silence ! I choose to be mistress of my own 
house. You will not suit me at all ! You may have lived 
with duchesses and countesses, or you may not — I very much 
doubt if you have — (Mrs. Grimsby gasps with rage) — but 
you will not do for me. You can retire ! 

Mrs. G. (sarcastic) Retire. Oh, very well, ma'am, very 
well ! Suit yourself, pray, I 'ope you'll find somebody to 
put up with your mean, prying, poky ways ! You won't 
suit me, ma'am, not at all ! I haven't lived with dukes, and 
hearls, and marcuses ! Oh no, of course not ! Tve been used 
to ladies, I'll let you know — real ladies of title — who kep 
their carriages and footmen and went to Court ! I was de- 
meaning of myself to come to a shabby little willa where 
you couldn't swing a cat round. You're no lady, or you'd 
know your place better. 

Mrs. N. (advancing ; Mrs. Grimsby backs towards door) 
Leave the room at once ! 

Mrs. G. Oh yes, ma'am, I'm going, I don't want to stay. 
I wouldn't stay, if you was to offer me two 'undered a year. 
It ain't a fit 'ouse for a respectable pusson to be hin ! I 
ceitingly shouldn't 'ave spent 'arf a crown to come here if 



I'd have known the sort of people I was coming to, and not 
even my fare hoffered me ! Good-bye, ma'am, good-bye. I 
shake the dust off of my boots on your shabby carpet, (ojiens 
door ; turns on threshold) Nasty, mean, scrubby place ! It 
ain't fit to 'ang out clothes in ! ( bangs out of the room) 

Mrs. N. Well ! of all the impudent, abominable creatures ! 
How could Edward's mother recommend her ! I don't be- 
lieve there are such people as the Duke and Duchess of 
Shellabere and the Earl and Countess of Banyma — what 
d'you call it ? I'll look in the Peerage, and I shall just tell 
Mrs. Newlyn what sort of a woman her paragon is ! If she's 
an average specimen of a" superior person" — give me an in- 
ferior one ! But she has given me a lesson ! I'll put my 
shoulder to the wheel, and teach myself how to rule my own 
house. No more housekeepers for me ! Edward shall not 
have to complain again of hairpins in the soup and puddings 
without eggs. In future things shall go like clockwork, {at 
door) I mean to be — though not quite in the style of Mrs. 
Grimsby — " a superior person," 



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